Once upon a time, my ex-wife Samara told me to “fake it until I make it”. Back when I was active in the O.T.O., I saw that Aleister Crowley’s autobiography was subtitled an autohagiography. And in reading Chapter 2 of The 5 AM Miracle this morning, I saw one particularly interesting exhortation:
You don’t become someone new until you live it. You can’t call yourself an athlete, high achiever, or early riser unless you actually walk the walk (or run the run).
Jeff Sanders, The 5 AM Miracle
I like this idea. It is a very Thelemic idea, all “success is your proof”.
Own your past so you can own your future
The thing is, I think I allowed myself to abandon the Great Work due to a mix of interpersonal conflict and the bigger fights in my life – or at least the fights that seemed to be harder. Not to diminish attaining Knowledge & Conversation of the Holy Guardian Angel but somehow, dealing with the Federal Court and IRCC feels like a different fight. A fight against Choronzon himself. It is akin to the scene from the The Twelve Tasks of Asterix (Les Douze travaux d’Astérix) called The House that Drives You Mad. Here it is in English (though, the uploader titled it “Asterix visits centrelink”, in traditional Australian humour).
What caused me to stop participating in the O.T.O. down in Denver was moving up to Longmont. Not having my own car at the time, getting down to Arvada and Lakewood (which is where these events were taking place) to attend masses and other events was a lot harder.
Also, there’s the domestic violence and coercive control I suffered. Looking back, I think it was my escape from my soon-to-be-ex-husband, the chase down the Henday, all of it that set me back into the New Aeon. The chase lasted for 21 kilometres and Liber 777 corresponds 21 with the Wheel of Fortune. Ad astra per aspera indeed.
Embrace the suck
Speaking of books I intend to read, Embrace the Suck by Brent Gleeson is next on my reading list. Currently, I’m working through four books. The physical books I’m working through are Living Thelema by David Shoemaker and Wool by Hugh Howey. On Apple Books, I’m re-reading Platform by Michael Hyatt and The 5 AM Miracle.
In his own (separate) book titled Embrace the Suck1, former US Army Reserve Colonel Austin Bay defines it as such, “The situation is bad, deal with it.” However, it appears Col. Bay’s book is more a dictionary of MILSPEAK2 than a book that anyone can use in their practical, day to day life.3
If there is anything close to what I believe within the core of my soul, it’s about doing what you can to turn adversity around and making the best out of a fucked up situation. For example, when I was planning my escape from my abusive husband, there was a thought in my mind that I should try and stick around until early May. Not because I loved him or I was the least bit interested in working it out. After his fucked up comments about my autism, I was done with him. No, what I wanted was to finish learning how to swim because I knew from previous experience that swim classes were harder to come across in the Yukon.
Success is your proof
In Liber AL vel Legis, we see three separate verses that touch on success.
Argue not; convert not
The ordeals thou shalt oversee thyself, save only the blind ones. Refuse none, but thou shalt know & destroy the traitors. I am Ra-Hoor-Khuit; and I am powerful to protect my servant. Success is thy proof: argue not; convert not; talk not over much! Them that seek to entrap thee, to overthrow thee, them attack without pity or quarter; & destroy them utterly. Swift as a trodden serpent turn and strike! Be thou yet deadlier than he! Drag down their souls to awful torment: laugh at their fear: spit upon them!
Liber AL vel Legis III:42 (emphasis mine)
The thing is, if you have success, you don’t need to argue or convert. The merit of your position should convince any reasonable person. To waste your time arguing about success is akin to debating someone as to whether or not evolution is true, the fact that the Earth is round4, or trans women are really women. It reminds me of the tale of the Donkey and the Tiger.
The tiger was punished by the lion because it is degrading for a brave and courageous creature like a tiger to waste time arguing with an ass. I know I need to spend less time arguing with the fool and the fanatic who cares less about the truth of things and more about being right, even when they’re not.
Courage is your armour, go on in my strength
I am the warrior Lord of the Forties: the Eighties cower before me, & are abased. I will bring you to victory & joy: I will be at your arms in battle & ye shall delight to slay. Success is your proof; courage is your armour; go on, go on, in my strength; & ye shall turn not back for any!
Liber AL vel Legis III:46 (emphasis mine)
“ye shall delight to slay”? You don’t say?
Anyway, back to the topic at hand. I think this is the part about having confidence that comes from success. When you know the reality of your own successes, you don’t need to rely on the approval of assholes who will never let inconvenient things like facts interrupt their narrative that they are so fucking married to. When my soon-to-be-ex-husband tried to claim that I was a child because I couldn’t find a job in a province that had an abysmal labour market, I knew the truth. I knew that unlike him, I’ve lived on my own. Set up my own utility accounts. Filed my own taxes. Made my own doctor’s appointments.
I don’t need someone to tell me that I’m not a child. I know what I am because he can’t override what I’ve done.
Furthermore, when I moved back to the Yukon, I was scheduling interviews the first week my feet touched Yukon soil. I don’t need his approval. After all, success is my proof.
There is success (in the il y a sense)
There is success.
Liber AL vel Legis III:69
I think this phrase, in this context, reminds me that there is success. And consider verses 63-68 which precede it. They talk of how the fool reads the Book of the Law and doesn’t understand it. Coming through the ordeals, the first will be to him as silver; the second, gold; the third, stones of precious water; and the fourth, ultimate sparks of the intimate fire. The beauty through the ordeals shows this fool that yes, there is success.
The Ten (Alleged) Benefits of Waking Up Early
But I’m supposed to be reviewing a productivity book, not exegeting the Book of the Law5. So: the ten (alleged) benefits of waking up early. I’m going to go through them with you. I make no bones about it: I don’t agree with all of them. Not that I think they’re immoral; it’s just I don’t agree that they’re real benefits of waking up early. Maybe it’s because for my particular journey, they require a bit more effort than waking up early.
More Time to Plan Your Day and Execute it Effectively
This one… I actually don’t disagree with. If I can get my discipline up to get out of bed as soon as I wake up and start planning, I think I actually could avail myself of this benefit.
When you wake up even just 15 minutes earlier than normal and you use that time for planning your day, you are already entering domination mode.
Jeff Sanders, The 5 AM Miracle
Fun fact, I used to have a Full Focus Planner. I even bought the Full Focus Journal too. Sadly, I left them both behind when I had to leave Canada. I think if I take the principles of the Full Focus Planner, I could probably replicate the same ideas in my Magickal journal.
Perfect for Quiet Time
But I was thinking, when do I truly give myself true quiet time? Usually, I have something playing in the background on YouTube. Also, can I truly give myself quiet time in the mornings? Can I fit it in with Resh? Also, I will admit that when I read this bit about this benefit…
Whether you choose to read, meditate, pray, practice yoga, or any other quiet activity, make the most of it. Light a candle, play soft music in the background, or just sit in silence.
Jeff Sanders, The 5 AM Miracle
… I could see the merit in this. After all, I’ve had so much chaos in life that protecting that quiet time is critical.
Higher-Quality Sleep and More Consistent Sleep Patterns
I’m not sure about how true this is. I’m honestly not sure if getting to bed earlier would cause higher-quality sleep. Last night, I wouldn’t say that my sleep quality was good… though I didn’t wake up tired per se. I also don’t think I actually went to sleep. I felt very present in bed. As if I was just laying there. But, when I got out of bed, I didn’t feel tired.
More Energy and Optimism
Okay, this one I’m skeptical about. Maybe not about the more energy part. If my wake up time is going to be at the ass crack of dawn, then it’s going to force my bed time to be earlier too. Definitely about the optimism part. But there’s something else that I’m worried about.
This is all about habits, systems, and choices.
Jeff Sanders, The 5 AM Miracle
The Yukon Problem6
Sanders writes about energy and optimism like everyone reading him lives at a civilized latitude. I don’t. Right now, Resh looks normal-ish. After all, today’s adorations fall at 9:03am, 1:44pm, 5:34pm, and 1:44am. But the Land of the Midnight Sun earns its title. On my birthday next year, the true times will run 4:27am, 2:02pm, 11:37pm, and 2:02am. That’s three adorations bunched inside five hours, two of them bracketing my goddamn sleep, all three of them cozy inside my fucking 5 am Miracle. So the real question isn’t whether 5am gives me more energy. It’s whether a fixed-time Resh practice is a compromise or a surrender. I lean fixed. The solar positions are the ideal; the practice is the point.
Better Focus
… I’m wondering if it might be because of the Vyvanse or because I woke up at 7 am this morning, but I feel pretty locked in when writing this post. In fact, between this post, and the three other posts I started drafting today, I have written 2,603 words so far (keep in mind, I’m saying this when this post isn’t even done).
Add to the fact that I no longer have home Internet and I haven’t owned a television since I moved out of my father’s house, and it’s very possible to just focus and do some great work with the time I have in between waking up and Resh.
Better Brain: Improved Mental Clarity and Creativity
I feel that this is pretty similar to my remarks on the previous point.
Have you ever tried to do something really important late at night? How did that work out for you? If you’re anything like me, you have to fight to think. Thinking clearly is more difficult and often more painful when your brain is tired.
Jeff Sanders, The 5 AM Miracle
Honestly, that’s not my problem with doing things late at night. For me, the problem is procrastination causing me to rush to get certain things done before the end of the night. When I was sending out the copies of Tiphareth Rising for beta readers, I was literally rushing to get the copies out before midnight. Both because I had promised they would be sent out on the 31st and because I had procrastinated so much on getting the final chapters edited that I really was against the wire.
But I got them all sent out. At 10:31pm.
… aaaand I just noticed that even though I had intended it to go out to all thirteen beta readers, I’m only seeing five addresses in the BCC field. fuck.
Okay, that’s the case for getting my procrastination under control.
Sexier and Healthier Body
… I’m skeptical about the former part of this benefit, but fuck, if this can deliver that, it would be so fucking awesome. Though this line?
The morning hours are ideal for taking care of yourself. Most people either squeeze in a few minutes here or there for a quick trip to the gym, or they just never make the time for self-care.
Jeff Sanders, The 5 AM Miracle
It definitely struck a nerve as to how this could be accomplished. Sure, if I’m up earlier in the morning, maybe I would be able to do the things I need to do to look nicer. Style my hair. Hit up the CGC to get a swim in before work. If nothing else, making the time for self-care is one thing an earlier morning could give me.
Consistent Increase in Daily Productivity
I feel like this is an outgrowth of the higher quality sleep, the better focus, and the more energy benefits above. When explaining this point, though, it appears intention is the secret sauce.
When you start your day with intention, it’s likely you will finish it that way too. There are days when I sleep in (obscene, I know!). On those days I am usually never as productive as the days when I wake up earlier. It’s like clockwork. When I wake up with a plan, I also work my day with a plan. When I wake up and wing it, I get the results you would expect – subpar.
Jeff Sanders, The 5 AM Miracle
And honestly? I feel that in my bones. But also, I’ve seen it in someone who started their days with less intention than I did. My soon-to-be-ex-husband started his days going to his regular job like a drone. He would wake up at 5am every morning he had to, 6am when he was able to get an extra hour of sleep in… but here’s the thing. He ran himself ragged until midnight playing video games or watching Netflix. I never saw him try to achieve his actual goals. There was a little spurt of activity before he just… gives up. He was only getting five hours of sleep at best a night. As a result, he slept in on the weekends.
He would constantly tell me about the goals he wanted to achieve, but it never seemed like he was willing to put in the work to actually achieve his goals. His news blog he wanted to start? It only has one post and that was written a couple years ago.
More Likely to Accomplish Your Grandest Goals
When having to type this into WordPress, I did balk a little. Really? My grandest goals? Like finishing transition? Finding love? Attaining Knowledge and Conversation of my Holy Guardian Angel?
You can either optimize that time or squander it. You can make the most of it or let it pass you by. The trick is to predetermine how you will spend your time. The people who wind up getting more done with their own 5 a.m. miracle are also those who wake up with a solid plan to make progress on their life’s grandest goals. You have the ability to make phenomenal progress on the goals that matter most to you when you block off time for your highest aspirations. You have time for running a marathon, writing a book, building a business, studying for grad school, or any other worthy pursuit.
Jeff Sanders, The 5 AM Miracle
And… he’s not wrong about that. I mean, I do have the goal of competing in the Gay Games in Perth in 2030. I would like to finish my transition as soon as possible. And… I would like to find love and attain K&C of my HGA.
You Will Join an Exclusive Club of High Achievers
When Jeff lists off Howard Schultz, Richard Branson, Anna Wintour, and Tim Cook as the “exclusive club” I’d be joining, I had to scoff a bit. I doubt any of these people would return my calls.
My Chapter 2 Action Plan
So, at the end of Chapter 2, Jeff has an action plan to lay out. I’ll give my answers to these questions here.
What does a typical morning look like in my world? Busy and stressful? Slow and peaceful? Productive and exciting?
Currently, slow and peaceful… and without intention. That’s because from mid-August until now, I’ve been unemployed. I start a new job tomorrow. But when I was working at Arctic Star, it was incredibly chaotic as I had to be there by 8am. I won’t lie, this was something I struggled with, mostly because I wasn’t going to bed early enough to wake up and do the things I needed to do. Also, when I was in bed, I had a hard time pushing myself to get out of bed with enough time to do everything I needed to get done.
So, a lot of my typical mornings at Arctic Star were more chaotic. Trying to hit the bus by 7:15am. Ideally, 6:45am if I wanted to make up time for doctor’s appointments earlier in the week, but I think I only ever hit that bus once or twice. In reality, I was late a lot more often than I was on time. Executive dysfunction was really kicking my ass.
But, the thing is, traditional employment and I have never had a great relationship. Not sure if that’s because I’m AuDHD or the discrimination that trans people face in the workplace. I’ve seen it be one, the other, or a melange of both.
Is my life too comfortable? What are my comfort tendencies, those habits and rituals that steer me away from greatness?
Is my life too comfortable? In short, no, but it’s not too successful either. But most of my discomfort comes from situations beyond my control, such as the ability to afford and get the remainder of my gender affirming care. Additionally, my efforts at weight loss have frustrated me with no results for almost two decades. It is hard to maintain motivation to make the changes I know I need to make when what I’m trying to do seems to be met with failure. This can lead a person to lack the physical fortitude to push through and make the changes they need to make in their life. And I’m not asking for miracles, all I need is a trend moving in the right direction to keep me motivated. I need data that shows that what I’m doing is working, even if I can’t see it. Hell, especially if I can’t see it.
As for comfort tendencies? Honestly, I think staying in bed even after I’ve woken up. This morning was one of the better mornings and I still stayed in bed with the CPAP mask on for roughly 12 minutes after I was finally awake. When my alarm went off, I tried to go to sleep for another 30 minutes but after 18 minutes, I knew I wasn’t getting any rest, so I woke up.
I also think that I tend to have my phone near me at my bed. It’s not the greatest habit for me getting out of bed and getting shit done.
Fuck the flesh, embrace the suck.7
So, maybe it’s the reason why I should push myself to honour these boundaries? Set myself an intention and fortify it. Hell, dung it about with enginery of war. I think I might know someone who could give me a war engine…
What benefits appeal to me the most from an early-morning lifestyle? Why get up early at all? What am I hoping to achieve at 5:00am?
Honestly, I think it’s about making my days more intentional. I have huge goals. Finishing transition. Becoming a prolific author over the next three years, to such a degree where I don’t need traditional employment. Finding joy in movement. Attaining K&C of my HGA. Finding love. And, not to mention, true, all-dimension wellness.
And the logic of the benefits of getting up at 5am? They seem to make sense.
In closing
This morning, I started actually maintaining a magickal journal in accordance with Liber E. And honestly, I’m starting to feel the possibilities waking up early can have. I tell a lot of people, my goal over the next few years while I’m here in the Yukon is to focus not just on healing from my dead marriage. No, my focus is on whole person wellness. And in that there’s a lot of large goals and… needless to say, a lot of tracking and a lot of intention and a lot of accountability is necessary.
And that’s why I’m blogging about this. I like the idea of being held accountable, even if it’s to my current audience of 28 weekly visitors.
- that I just happened to stumble upon when looking up a book I literally had on a bookshelf just a couple meters away from where I was sitting when I wrote this sentence. [↩]
- Slang for military jargon, troop idioms, and Pentagonese. [↩]
- That said, looking at his website, I actually already use several of these terms in my day to day life already. “Echelons above reality” and “Voluntold” are part of my idiolect along with “SNAFU” being a natural outgrowth of “AFU”. [↩]
- Okay, okay, if the Earth is an oblate spheroid if you want to get all technical about it. [↩]
- pwease don’t shun me as a centre of pestilence, uwu [↩]
- Oooh, H4s! We rarely see those around these parts. [↩]
- Two H4s in one post? Wowie kazowie! [↩]